This Friday, we’re looking at who feels welcome in ENM spaces, what a bi+ relationship study can tell us about monogamy and consensual non-monogamy, and the honest conversations behind Beyond Monogamy’s Hot Seat. These three stories bring us back to something we care about: a relationship label tells you far less than how people treat each other.
Who gets left out of the swinger and ENM community?
In Beyond Monogamy’s discussion of community hierarchy, Adam and Pris examine the social pecking order that can exist inside spaces calling themselves welcoming. Their September 27 episode covers single-men gatekeeping, age, body image, race, and the assumption that an attractive couple must have everything figured out.
We think that is a conversation worth having without getting defensive. Being comfortable talking about sex does not automatically make someone good at welcoming people. A room can advertise openness and still leave people feeling invisible.
For us, there is an important distinction here. Nobody owes anybody attraction, a date, or play. A no does not need a defense. But basic kindness should not depend on whether someone is your type. Saying hello, making room in a conversation, and applying conduct rules consistently are choices we can make without changing a single personal boundary.
Confidence can help someone approach a group, but it does not erase exclusion. We would rather ask what we can do to make that first conversation easier than assume the person standing alone simply needs to try harder.
What does the bi+ study say about relationship quality?
A Journal of Bisexuality study by Rahel Korinth and Sonja Bröning examines relationship quality among 725 bi+ adults in a nonrepresentative online convenience sample, primarily living in Germany. It compares monogamous and consensually non-monogamous relationships.
The reported overall relationship quality did not differ between the groups. CNM participants reported higher sexual satisfaction and greater openness about their orientation, alongside lower internalized negative attitudes toward bisexuality. Conflict was similar.
That is a useful finding, not a prescription. This sample cannot stand in for every bi+ person, and a comparison does not establish that changing relationship structure causes better outcomes. Sexual satisfaction and overall relationship quality are also different measures.
Our take is simple: we do not need to turn relationships into a competition. Someone can be happy in monogamy or CNM. What we want to hear is whether the people involved feel respected, can speak honestly, and have agreements they actually want. Research should help us question stereotypes, not become another way to pressure a partner.
What can Beyond Monogamy’s Hot Seat teach us about boundaries?
In the September 30 Hot Seat episode, Pris puts Adam on the spot with questions that move from a playful dating-app self-review to their experiences navigating non-monogamy. Their conversation makes room for different levels of enthusiasm and the trust involved in hearing a partner’s limits.
We like the reminder that an honest check-in does not have to sound like a formal meeting. Humor can make it easier to start, as long as it does not become a way to dismiss the answer. If one person is excited and the other feels uncertain, both deserve room to speak.
Consent is not a loophole you negotiate around. An earlier yes does not settle every future situation, and an agreement only helps if people can revisit it. Sometimes the useful question is simply, “Does this still feel good to both of us?” Then you have to be willing to hear the answer.
For more of this conversation, revisit last Friday’s roundup on unicorn hunting, Seattle, and CNM. Our Secrets Part 2 recap on hosting and boundaries brings it back to a weekend we shared. Different stories, but the same question stays with us: are we making room for people to be honest?